Best of Early Email - 01

When "electronic mail" was popularized in the late 1990s, early adopters were happy to share any weird little thing with everybody. Those years of giddy excess quickly passed, but I saved plenty of favorites from this brief Golden Age of bizarre emails. So here we go again...

 

 

ELEMENT:  Woman

SYMBOL:  WO

ATOMIC WEIGHT:  Don't even go there...

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:  Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Becomes bitter if mishandled.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:  Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

USAGE:  Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-inducing agent known.

CAUTION:  Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

ELEMENT:  Man

SYMBOL:  XY

ATOMIC WEIGHT:  180 +/- 50

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:  Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:  Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (ELEMENT: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

USAGE:  None known. Possibly useful methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

CAUTION:  In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

 

 

 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

STRIVE TO BE HAPPY

Sometimes attributed as “Found in Old Saint Paul’s Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692.” Actually, “Desiderata” was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deteriorata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss... and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that THREE do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you. That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with looks. For a good time call 606-4311; Ask for “Ken.”

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be — hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.

GIVE UP

 Performed by National Lampoon on “National Lampoon Radio Dinner,” a 1972 recording by Blue Thumb Records. Lyrics by Tony Hendra.


For more like this, go to  Best of Early Email - 02